The Story of an Asshole and a Miracle at Minney's

Once upon a time, there was a windlass in Kenutu. This windlass was heavy duty, a Simpson Lawrence SeaTiger 555, which is a name that only barely conveys its heavy-dutiness. Sadly, the windlass was jammed, taking away Kenutu's ability to anchor. The owners of Kenutu thought that since they'd serviced the winches, they could handle an overhaul of the windlass. They unbolted the 40-pound hunk of metal from the anchor locker and soon realized they were dummies, for there were 10 gallons of unexplainable goo inside. And the smell. Oh, it smelled of instant defeat.

Despite the obvious obstacles, the dummies felt empowered after a few internet searches offering up such clever ideas as "turn it upside down and fill it with mineral spirits and let it soak." Boldly, they pried off the base plate, revealing an ancient, pungent, creamy goo that made the first goo look like frosting. They donned gloves and plunged into the metal abyss to scoop out handfuls of gunk.

After purging the innards, it quickly became clear that the dummies were going to need a professional. They again turned to the internet and found Tom Dessel of Coast Marine, a character who will henceforth be referred to as Asshole. They left a message for Asshole, who immediately called them back and arranged a drop off time to get the windlass repaired. On a nice morning in June, full of optimism and naive belief in professionalism, one of the dummies drove to Asshole's shop and dropped off the windlass and $260 cash. In exchange, she received an estimate repair time of 2-4 weeks and a promise to email a receipt. As his name may suggest, Asshole failed to deliver on all counts.

In July, they called and emailed to check on the repair status. In August, they called and emailed to nudge it along and ask for a reply. In September, they called and emailed threatening to take it to the next level, legally speaking. In October, they called, emailed and drafted a letter to send via certified mail. In November, they emailed a way less cordial email demanding the windlass and including the phrase "if you have a brain in your head," and Asshole responded. Apparently the parts were ordered and it'd be done in two weeks. His name is still Asshole, so clearly that was a lie. In December, the windlass arrived in the same condition it was delivered to Asshole in June. And it arrived without the dummies' $260.

At about the same time, Scott, who often sails with the dummies and laughs at their follies, was coming up from San Diego to visit and mentioned he had seen a windlass at Minney's during his stopover in Newport Beach. It was a boating miracle. The thing they needed, an almost 25-year-old hunk of metal, was actually available?!! They wouldn't have to drill other holes into the deck?!! Parts for this windlass sometimes make repairing it either impossible or not cost effective. This one at Minney's, though, presented an opportunity... a $700 opportunity. They could get a functioning windlass and keep the other for parts. Before they could even make a pros and cons list, it was bought and installed on Kenutu.

The new windlass fits like a glove. It only took 6 months, but the dummies finally acquired the ability to anchor. And now, they must learn how to anchor. Here's hoping for more miracles in 2017!